What's in the clouds?

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Role Models….

You know I really never put thought into who my role models are or were as I was growing up.  Or even now.  I mean I have a basic idea, but never really acknowledge who has influenced me.

While growing up, I had two main influences.  One being Marilyn Monroe and the other being Betty Page.  Well I’m hoping for obvious reasons on why I loved them.  They were and still are women who influence the world with a smile and a peek of skin.  Women who didn’t care about what others thought.  Women that sent a message out to other women that you don’t need anybody to make you beautiful.  You are beautiful in every way.  Women who both suffered being raised in orphanages and yet excelled so high with a smile.

I lost in touch with that philosophy when I was young.  I lost sight of the world for five years during my teenager years.  I lost sight of everything…, family, true friends, life……..

I wish I could change that part of my life.  But then I don’t.  Because I wouldn’t have my precious daughters right now.

You want to talk about a role model.  My first role model after returning to my existence was my oldest daughter, Paige.  She will never know how much she helped me and motivated me to get out of the pit I was in.  Yea I had her when I was 19, but if I didn’t, I really don’t want to imagine where I would be if I was on the same path I was.  She gave me light in my darkness.  She gave meaning to my life.  Paige is my clone.  She is the reminder of who I am.  She is so bright and smart with that nip of attitude that just makes me want to pull my hair out.  She is my mirror and reminder of how beautiful I am.

My second role model is my youngest, Camille.  Cami has showed me it’s okie to be weird.  Cami is Cami.  She has a way to make you smile and she has such a big heart.  She gives everyone hugs and is the weirdest, strangest little creature.

My grandmother, Evelyn Fairbanks, was a famous author and a woman I hope I make proud.  She passed on during my time of no light.  During my five years of utter despair and hate, the most influential person of my life passed away.  I missed the greatest opportunity of my life to get everything from her.  To get how she views life.  To understand her way of thinking.  Everything.  I remember the times I had with her and I keep repeating them in my head.  To understand how she lived her life.  I remember hating that I had to go to her house, but when I got there, she had the most interesting stories.  Sitting around the supper table with my grandmother, father, aunt, and uncle listening to their childhood gave me such joy.  I miss those moments, but cherish the time I had with her.  She was such a strong person and such an individual.  You would have remembered her even if meeting her for five minutes.  It saddens me she never got to meet my children.  I couldn’t imagine the energy.  It would have been glorious.  I have started my own elephant collection in her memory.  She loved elephants and had thousands of them in her house in some form.  And I will do the same thing.  I miss you.

My aunt, Luana, is such an inspiration.  She is a famous choreographer in San Francisco.  She is so elegant and fluid in motion.  I never have gotten to talk to her as much as I would like.  We both live such hectic lives.  She is such a strong person and holds true to her beliefs.  She built her own house.  I dream I have had for so long and hope to do.  I don’t know much about her as I should.  I hope that I do.  I hope one day I can spend time with her and just breath in her essence and her energy.  I’ve always wanted to be a dancer, but my life went on a different course.  I still want to be one and wish I had more of her work.   I wish I could study underneath her.  Living so far away restricts that a lot, but I’m still hopeful.

My mother, Cindy, is such a strong woman that doesn’t get enough credit from anyone including her family.  My mother and I……oh where do I start…….have had a lot of bad times in my early part of my life.  Those five years of hatred I was talking to you about was solely directed at my mother and her family.  The things I’ve said to my mother has been so heartbreaking and wish I never did say it.  But I guess every child regrets when they are older things they have said to their parents.  What they don’t tell you is the children you have…..are a parent’s perfect revenge.  My mother raised my sister and I by herself for over ten years.  She held three sometimes four jobs the whole time.  She still to this day has three jobs.  And if she isn’t working, she is Treasurer of our bowling league or she is enjoying herself with her longtime friends.  I don’t know when this woman sleeps.  Mom has always been there for me no matter what the situation is between us.  She has helped me.  Someone I can always count on and everyone needs that person in their lives.  A fixed point and mine is my mother.  She is the strongest person I know.  Physically, emotionally and mentally.  She has had to deal with so much from me that it’s remarkable and admirable.  As an adult, it’s been hard to develop that mother-daughter relationship that I envy so much that my sister has.  It’s awkward to the extent that we didn’t share moments during my rebellious years and we are trying to do that now.  But it’s getting better.  We hug, kiss and say I love you more then we ever have in my life that I can remember.  My hopes is that she will find happiness in what she is seeking.

My father, Robert, is eccentric.  He is the entrepreneur.  He had implied his mind to everything he has done.  And he is a little of everything.  He is a motivational speaker, a martial artist, a Marine, a recruiter, a writer, a counselor, and still is going.  He has had so many different jobs through out his life and that’s not a bad thing.  Anyone would hope for the experience of everything.  He has traveled to many locations and found inspiration and has  brought it back to his world and applied it.  This man has tried to teach me martial arts for forever and it never worked.  I was always the dancer.  Thus he has comes to terms that my elegant, fluid hooping and poi hobby is much like his fierce, strong martial arts.  My father has always been a handful and he knows it and loves it.  But he has helped me so much in life with his stupid psycho babble stuff that I will NEVER admit it to his face.  I, equally, like to give him a hard time.

My sister, Doodle, is the second strongest person in the world and the most fashion sensed.  My sister is a very strong person.  She knows it……but yet she doesn’t.  This lady has a big heart and a smile to go with it.  (The b*^@%)  Her laugh is contagious and is heard from distance.  She is short, but has such a loud voice that you can’t miss her.  Her confidence has been so inspiring to me.  She loses sight of it most times, but it’s always there.  Something I’m very envious of.  If she is right….she is right and she will prove it. Many arguments over that statement throughout my life.  She is creative.  She can draw great, but it’s her fashion sense that really takes the cake.  She loves to match things from her makeup to her earrings to her bracelet to her shirt to her shoes to her lingerie for one outfit.  It’s amazing and so colorful most times.  She has many opinions and she is a no bull shit kind of person.  She can kick my ass…..and throw me out of a window if she wanted to.  I will be in denial that can actually happen.  She is an amazing person and she needs to give herself more credit then she does.

I guess my family has been my role models my entire life.  I just threw a little of me in it and here I am *poof* The only redhead in the family.  The mix match queen of everything.  The hooping fairy.

My hooping inspirations have been:

*Deanne Love*     *Anah Reichenbach*     *Ann Humphreys*

Well there you go.  My babble for the day.  Peace!Image


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First wordings….

I’ve never really tried the whole blogging thing on the interwebs, but I thought it would be nice to track my life at this moment.  I’m kinda at a lost on where to go and I haven’t really been motivated either.  My sister just showed me how to starting knitting.  She bought me some pink yarn that I can make a washcloth out of.  I’m super excited to start something new and hopefully I grow to be really good at it.  Maybe even start selling stuff if I get that good.  *crossing fingers*

I started to make hula hoops, but now I need different tape and want to buy different tubing.  Money.  I also am thinking on buying a color polypro hula hoop.  Cheap.  Free shipping.  How good is that?!  Just need to make sure hubby doesn’t find out cause then he will be all over me.  Lol.  It’s November and the belief that the year is almost over is still not there.  I can’t believe I’ve been living up in this new area of F/M for that long.  Well time does fly by.  Need to start enjoying the NOW and stop worrying about the future and to forget about the past.  The past is always the thing that creeps up on me and I need to put a stop to it.  I need to not have it affect me anymore because what will that solve.  Can’t change anything.  Might as well forgive myself and forget.  For the future, yes I can think about it to a degree, but don’t stress over it.  Nothing is set in stone and my life path can always change by my doing.  Remember this. *breathes*